Being Good

Setting: It's bedtime, and Mom is having a discussion with Emma on the coming events for Christmas day.
Mom: "We need to go right to sleep tonight, so Santa can come."
Mom: "And remember, we have to be good, and Santa will come to Grandpa and Grandma Schmidt's house."
Mom: "Do you understand?"
Emma (nodding her head): "We can't hit Santa"

Sad

Setting: Mom has just tucked Max into his sleeping bag after a late bedtime at Omi, Oma, and GrandBobs.
Max (rubbing his eyes and "moaning"): "Mom, ask me why I'm sad."
Mom: "Why are you sad, Max?"
Max: "Because it's bedtime and I am not tired."

Grandmas

Setting: The family is just a few miles away from arriving at their destination in Southeast Wisconsin.
Max: "Mom, where are we going."
Mom: "To Omi and Oma's, Max."
Max: "And GrandBob's."
Mom: "Yes that's right. And GrandBob's"
Max: "They are my Grandpa and Grandmothers."
Mom: "That's right, Max."
Max: "My grandmothers always love me."

Happy Hanukkah

Setting: Periodically Max or Emma will request a candle light dinner. Max had just learned about several of the seasonal holidays in December. That night he requested a candle light for dinner. As Mom is walking toward the table with the candle...
Max: "Happy Hanukkah!!!"

Coughs and Sneezes

Setting: Max was sneezing a few times during the morning breakfast. Emma enters the kitchen, having just woken up.
Emma: "I have the coughs and Max has the 'Bless Yous'."

It Popped

Setting: Dad was putting Emma to bed. He said good night, blew her a kiss, but then she reminded him that he didn't sing Twinkle Little Star. So he did and was heading out the door.
Emma: "Dad, blow me a kiss."
Dad: "I did. Before Twinkle Little Star."
Emma: "Yeah, but it popped."

A number

Setting: Dad is trying to tame Max's hair after Mom had blow dried it the previous night.
Dad: "Man Max, Mom sure did a number on your hair."
Emma: "Daaaaad!!! I don't see a number!!"

Reach Higher

Setting: Lincoln automotive has a televison commercial out with the slogan: "Reach Higher".
Setting 2: Mom and Max are leaving a store. They are looking at a Mini Cooper in the parking lot. Then Max looks in a different direction.
Max: "Mom, look. It's the Lincoln Reach Higher truck."
Max points to a Lincoln Mark LT pickup truck.

A deep breath

Setting: Dad is playing a game with Emma. Emma is directing every step of game play and Dad has surrendered in attempting to understand it. He lays down on his back.
Emma: "Dad, you have to sit up to play the game."
Dad: "But I want to lie down for awhile."
Emma: "If you don't sit up, you can't play the game with me."
Dad (decides to start "crying")
Emma: "If you don't stop crying you can't play."
Dad (continues to cry and moan): "I can't play anymore!!"
Emma: "You can't play until you stop whining."
Dad (works to stifle his sobbing)
Emma (patting Dad's shoulder): "Take a deep breath...Take a deep breath."

The White House

Setting: Max had just watched a TV special on the gingerbread house at The White House.
Max: "Can we stay at The White House?"
Mom: "No, we can't stay there. But maybe we could visit sometime."
(pause)
Max: "Do they have toys at The White House?"

Space Reservation

Setting: Max joins Mom and Dad in bed. Max is next to Mom. Emma comes in the room. She wants to be next to Mom. Dad tells her to crawl in between Mom and Dad but first go to the bathroom.
Emma: "I don't have to go to the bathroom."
Dad: "You have to go before you can come into Mom and Dad's bed."
Emma (more upset): "I don't want to!!"
Mom: "Emma, you can use the bathroom or go back into your room."
Emma (crying at this point): "Well, save my spot!!!"

Number One

Setting: Max, Emma, and Dad are traveling somewhere in the minivan. Emma is looking out the window.
Emma: "Dad, the birds are doing number one!"

Dad hesitates before responding. He contemplates where Emma may have learned about "number one". He contemplates how she could possibly see birds "doing number one" from a moving minivan. Then he finally realizes that the three of them had witnessed Canadian Geese flying in formation about a week before. In that formation one side of the "V" formation was much shorter than the other. It made it look like the number 1.

Flip Flops

Setting: Reading a bible story before bedtime. Emma notices something in the picture.
Emma: "Look! Jesus is wearing flip-flops."

Like Emma

Setting: Mom is finishing fixing Emma's hair before Church on Sunday.
Mom: "Emma you look beautiful, just like Beauty" (from Beauty and the Beast)
Emma: "I don't want to be like Beauty! I want to be like Emma."

Cold Chocolate

Setting: Max, Emma, and Dad went for a walk after dinner. It was about 19 degrees (F) outside. Max and Emma requested hot chocolate upon their return. As they are drinking the hot chocolate, Max is complaining that the hot chocolate is...well...hot.
Mom: "Max, you want the hot chocolate to be hot so it warms you up on a cold day."
Max: "That's right. And in the summer, when it's hot, we can have cold chocolate to keep us cool."

Early

Setting: It's Friday, 8am, Max and Emma are still sleeping. School is at 8:45. Dad quietly walks into Max's room debating the merits of waking him. As he watches, Max stretches, rubs his eyes, sits up and...
Max: "I wake up...and all I wake up is early."

Kapoof

Definition:
Kapoof (ka - POOF) v.
1. to cause magic to occur

Max: "...and Kapoof! he turned into a frog!"

Tree Skirt

Setting: Dad is placing a tree skirt around the base of the Christmas tree.
Emma: "What's that?"
Dad: "It's a tree skirt."
Emma: "That's not a skirt!!"
Dad: "It's not a skirt that little girls can where but it is a skirt for a Christmas tree."
Emma: "That's right, so the tree doesn't get cold."

Old Lady

Setting: Max takes Mom and Dad's wedding picture off the dresser and walks it over to where Mom and Dad are sitting on the bed.
Max: "Dad, who is this in this picture?"
Dad: "Max, you know who those two people are!"
Max: "It's Mom and Dad on your wedding day!"
Dad: "That's right Max."
Max: "When I'm a man, I'm going to find an old lady..."
Mom: "I was only 25 in that picture!!"

The front or the back

Setting: Emma was asking about the status of the sucker she received after we deposited money in the bank today.
Emma: "What letters did I have on my sucker?"
Mom: "On one side there was an 'A' and on the other side there was an 'S'.
Emma: "I was licking the 'S'. Was the 'S' on the front side or the back side?"

Best part of the day

Setting: At the dinner table everyone was taking turns sharing the best part of the day. After Max and Emma it was dad's turn.
Mom: "Dad, what was the best part of the day for you."
Before Dad could open his mouth...
Emma: "Spending time with me?"

Cuddle You

Setting: The family is going through the bedtime routine. Mom is reading a story. Dad is sitting behind Emma with Emma leaning against him. Dad decides to lie down.
Emma: "No Daddy! Sit up."
Dad: "I want to lie down."
Emma: "But I want to cuddle you."

A Frog

Setting: Mom is drinking a particularly toxc-looking red drink (Minute Maid Light Raspberry Passion) for lunch.
Max: If I drink all that, then Kaboom!! I'll turn into a frog."

Checking in

Emma: "So Daddy, how was your week today?"

A little bit

Setting: Dad saying good night to Emma who is already in bed.
Emma: "Dad can you sleep with me for a little bit?"
Dad: "Not tonight Emma. I need to spend a little time with Mom."
Emma: "Just for a teany little bit? Just a teany tiny little bit?"
Dad: "Not tonight Emma."
Emma: "Just a teany tiny little bit? A teany weany little bit?!"

A Fit

Setting: Mom, Max and Emma are going to a baby shower at a restaurant. Mom is reminding Max and Emma how to behave at the restaurant.
Mom: "Remember we need to use our manners. We need to say please and thank you and sit nicely at the table."
Emma: "And not throw a fit."

Which Daddy

Setting: Dad is in Kansas City for the At-Home Dads Convention. He calls home. Mom passes the phone to Max.
Dad: "Hi Max! How are you?"
Max: "Who is this?"
Dad: "Max don't you recognize my voice?"
Silence
Dad: "Max, this is Dad?"
Max: "Which Dad?"

Junk Food

Setting: The family was doing its nightly prayers. Those prayers included Auntie Joyce. After the prayers:
Max: "Auntie Joyce is really sick."
Mom: "We don't know what's wrong with Auntie Joyce, but hopefully the doctors will help figure that out."
Max: "Maybe she has a cold."
Mom: "That could be."
Max: "I know what's wrong. Maybe she ate too much Junk Food."

Disclaimer: Max has been learning how junk food is not so good for you. This is not based on data from or observation of Auntie Joyce's eating habits.

Smell something

Dad: "Emma, your nose is whistling."
Emma: "I know. I need to smell something."

Disausted

Max: "If I eat junk food, I will really feel disausted."

Note: Disausted is a condition that is strikingly similar to exhausted.

Next Year

Setting: Max is sharing a song with Auntie Claranna on the phone. After he is done Claranna is attempting to engage him in conversation.
Max: "I have to get going. I'll see you next year!"

Beauty and the man

Emma: "Mom, I am going to go up and put my dress on. I'm going to be Beauty."
Emma: "Max, do you want to dress up too, you can be the Prince."
Max: "I don't want to be the Prince."
Max: "I want to be a man. I want to go camping."

St. Patricks Day

Setting: Max and Emma are sitting at the kitchen table enjoying one of the sweets of their labor on Halloween Night.
Max: "Dad, is St. Patrick's Day after Christmas?"

You shouldn't have

Setting: The family is celebrating Great Grandma Minnie's (Oma's) 90th birthday at a restaurant. When Max and Emma go up to Minnie's table, they are informed that they both have presents waiting for them at Oma's house.
Max: "A present for ME!!!! Oh, you shouldn't have!!"

Not quite right

Setting: The whole family is eating dinner with Grandpa and Grandma Schmidt in their kitchen.
Max: "Something is not quite right here."
Everyone pauses waiting to hear...
Max: "There is a TV in the kitchen." (there is not a TV in the kitchen at our house.)

Teepee

Setting: Dad, Max, and Emma go to a park with Grandpa and Grandma Schmidt. Dad, Emma, and Max went on a walk on a nature trail where they see a teepee made of sticks. Later at dinner Mom is educating Max on what teepees were originally used for.
Mom: "Max, do you know who lived in teepees?"
Mom: "Indians lived in teepees."
Max: "That's ridiculous!!!!"
Max: "Indians live in New York!"

Hello Kitty Ring

Setting: Emma received a Hello Kitty Ring from her friend Greta a day earlier. Dad was putting things together for a trip to Milwaukee which included visiting Omi (Grandma Irene) and Oma (Great Grandma Minnie) for Minnie's 90th birthday. Dad tunes in for a few moments to Emma talking to herself...
Emma: "And I will show my Kitty Ring to Omi and Oma and they will say: "What is that?" and I will tell them it is my Hello Kitty Ring."

Yummy Delicious

Setting: Emma requests a taste of Dad's drink (Sobe Lean - Cranberry Grapefruit).
Emma (after a long taste): "That is yummy delicious!"

New sister

Setting: Max, Emma, and Dad are at Grandpa and Grandma V's house watching the Packer game along with some neighbors who have a 14 month old girl, Gabbie.
Max: "I have a new little sister!!"

Real

Setting: Max, Emma, and Dad are in the minivan driving to Grandpa and Grandma V's. Emma had been talking to Max about something but Dad only hears Max's response.
Max: "No, I think I will be real."

Confidence

Setting: Emma drops something while sitting in the minivan. Dad is driving through a twisty piece of road.
Emma: "Dad, I dropped it. Can you pick it up?"
Dad: "Not right now, Emma. I'm driving."
Emma: "You can do it. You've done it lots of times before... Show me how you do it."

A little vs. a lot

Setting: It's morning, everyone is upstairs, awake and has said their good mornings.
Emma: "Max, let's go watch a little cartoons."
Max: "Nooooo!! I want to watch a lot!!!"

Just Talk

Setting: It is afternoon. Emma is interested in watching a video.

Dad: "Well why don't you go get Max from the basement so we can watch a video.
Emma: "Let's wait for him to come up."
Dad: "Ok, what should we do until he comes up."
Emma: "Well, maybe we could just talk for a little bit."

Refrigilator

Max Terminology: What you call the tall box with doors where you put food to keep it cold.

My pleasure

Setting: Max has been lobbying Dad to play computer (translated as playing with some education software Dad bought a while back). Dad agrees that after Max and Emma finish watching their video, they can play computer for awhile. After the video ends, Max disappears and returns with the software in hand).
Dad: "Oh you found the software, thanks."
Max: "It was my pleasure."

Pretending

Setting: Max and Emma are riding bikes at Grandpa and Grandma Vs. Emma pauses to make the following pronouncement:
Emma: "We're going to keep pretending."

Age

Setting: All of us have joined Grandpa and Grandma V. to celebrate their 52nd anniversary at a restaurant. Mom is mentioning ages.
Mom: "Max is 5 and a half."
Emma: "I am 3 and a half!"
Emma: "Mom, how old are you?"
Mom: "I am too old."
Emma: "You are too old and a half!"

A Happy Day

Setting: Mom has just departed for work after getting a group hug from Emma, Max, and Dad. Dad and Emma are heading to Emma's room to pick out clothes for school.
Emma: "I hope she has a happy day."

Dancing Elephants

Setting: The family is sitting around the kitchen table eating lunch when out of the blue...
Max: "It's a bunch of elephants!"
Max: "Dancing elephants to be exact."
Max: "And they're doing the Mambo!"

The Parthenon

Setting: Max is thumbing through the most recent issue of the National Geographic -- having already pointed out a tarantula and skeleton teeth, Max declares...
Max: "Mom, hey look! Mom, look! It's the Parthenon!"
Mom (skeptical, looks at the page, and utters in surprise): "Max, it IS the Parthenon!"
Mom: "Max, how do you know about the Parthenon?"
Max: "It was from Little Einsteins".
Mom (to herself): "Thank you, Walt Disney"
Dad: "You've got to blog that...."

Blue Logic

Max recieved a tootsie pop from the "hair cut store".
Emma successfuly negotiated for a blue dum-dum from her Dad.
Mom: "That looks like a yummy sucker. You should look at your tongue in the mirror."
Emma: "I did. Upstairs. It's all blue!"
Mom: laughing
Emma: "Hey, Mom -- you want some?"
Mom (uncompelled): "No thanks."
Emma: "But then you can have a blue tongue just like me!"

Game

Emma: "Do you want to play a game?"
Mom: "What game, Emmy?"
Emma: "With that stuff over there."
Mom: "How do you play?"
Emma(with disappointment): "Oh you don't know how to play that. We'll have to play something else."
Emma: "Is that ok Mom?"

Checking

Setting: It's was a morning with very little spare time. Emma was requesting breakfast foods that took time to prepare. Emma was studying the Oatmeal container.
Dad: "Emma, I don't have time to make oatmeal for you this morning."
Emma: "I'm just checking it out."

Happy

Emma (yelling in admonishment): "Max! Do I look happy!!??"

Ouch

Setting: Dad and Emma have just stepped outside after dropping off Max. It is just beginning to drizzle outside. Dad is walking ahead of Emma.
Emma: "Ouch!"
Dad (turning back): "What happened Emma?"
Emma: "The rain hit my eye!"

Healthy Food -- Part 3

Setting: It's evening, and Max is explaining to Mom why he doesn't want to go to bed right now.
Mom: "Why don't you want to go to bed, Sweetie?"
Max: "'Cause I'm scared."
Mom: "Of what?"
Max: "Of monsters."
Mom: "Max, so what are the three coping strategies we talked about?" (yes, she really said that)
Max: "I can sing, I can pray, ...."
Mom: "..right, and you can talk to Maize"
Max: "OR...I can tell the monsters to GO AWAY!"
Mom: "Right."
Max: "GO AWAY OR I'LL EAT YOU UP!"
Mom (startled): "What do monsters taste like?"
Max (pondering): "Well, I suppose monsters are not healthy food."

Perfect

Setting: Max and Emma are eating breakfast on the deck in the bright morning sunshine. When checked on again, Max has moved from sitting on one of the plastic patio chairs to sitting under the table.
Mom: "Max, why were sitting under the table?"
Max: "Because I didn't want to sit on the chair."
Mom: "Why didn't you want to sit on the chair?"
Max: "Because it was too hard. So I sat under the table and it was just perfect."

Stinky bathrooms

Setting: The campground Dad, Emma, and Max visited with family had a pit-type latrine that did give off some strong odors at times.
Setting 2: Max, Emma, Dad, and Mom have left Grandpa and Grandma Vs late at night after celebrating Auntie Patties Birthday. Mom and Dad decide to stop at a gas station to have Emma go "potty" before she falls asleep in the car. As they pull into the gas station...
Emma: "Does it have a stinky bathroom?"

Negotiation 101

Setting: Dad is assisting Emma in getting dressed for school.
Emma: "Dad, can I wear my flip-flops (sandals)."
Dad: "No, Emma, I want you to wear your sneakers today."
Emma: "Can I wear my Butterfly shoes?" (slip-on shoes with butterflies on the outside)
Dad: "I suppose you can wear those."

pause

Emma: "My friend Becca (from school) has flip-flops."
Dad: "Thats nice."
Emma: "Can I wear my flip-flops to school?"

The Waitress and The Mosquito

Setting: Day one of camping Emma was writing down food orders from all the campers in her notebook.

Setting: Day 2 Max was being "stung" (kissed) by the Auntie Claranna Mosquito.
Setting: Emma attempts to become a Mosquito and kiss Max like Auntie Claranna. She is holding her notebook while doing this.

Max: "No! No! Waitresses can't be mosquitos!"

Chips

Setting: Dad, Emma, Max, and Auntie Patty are off to meet up with Grandpa and Grandma V and Uncle Mark, Aunt Claranna, Christopher, and Jonathan in Wisconsin for some camping. They stop at Sams to pick up some groceries including some Sun Chips. As they are driving from Sams to Hudson...
Emma: "Dad, can I have some chips."
Dad: "Wait til we get to Grandpa and Grandma V's house."

Two minutes later

Emma: "Dad, can I have some chips."
Dad: "Wait til we get to Grandpa and Grandma V's house."

Two minutes later

Emma: "Dad, can I have some chips."
Dad: "Wait til we get to Grandpa and Grandma V's house."

Two minutes later

Emma: "Dad, I really love chips."...

Dad says

Setting: Mom is eating breakfast with the Max and Emma while Dad continues to sleep. Emma asks Mom nicely for yogurt. Mom gives Emma her leftover yogurt from yesterday.
Emma: "What kind of yogurt is this?"
Mom: "It's peach cobbler, Honey."
Emma: "No it's not. That's not what Dad says."

Note: 15 minutes later Dad arrives in the kitchen.
Emma: "Daddy, what kind of yogurt is this?"
Dad: "Oh, it's peach cobbler."
Emma: (Nods her head in agreement and smiles contentedly)

Penguin

Setting: Emma has finished going to the bathroom and is whining loudly for Daddy to help. When no help arrives, she waddles into Max's bedroom with her underwear and pajama bottoms still rolled down to her knees.
Mom: "Here Emma let me help you pull your underwear and pajamas up."
Emma (now giggling): "Yeah, I walked like a penguin."

Angel

Setting: Max is playing with a flashlight he received at a friends birthday party. Mom looks up from the bottom of the stairs as Max stands one step above Emma and points the flashlight down over her head.
Max: "I'm making Emma an angel."

Meatball

Emma: "Momma, a nectarine pit looks just like a meatball."

Gently

Mom: "Emma, please don't slam the door. It hurts Mom's head when you do that."
Emma: "Can I close the door gent-a-lee?"

The Power of Pink

Setting: Dad is getting Emma a cup for milk for breakfast.
Emma: "Daddy, I want the pink cup."
Dad: "Emma, there is a blue cup and an orange cup."
Emma: "Where is the pink cup?"
Dad: "It probably hasn't been cleaned yet. It's still in the dishwasher."

Pause

Emma: "Can you wash the pink cup?"

Fuzzy and fancy

Setting: Dad is holding Emma facing him. Emma reaches up and messes with Dad's hair.
Emma: "There! I made you all fuzzy and fancy!"

Here I am!

Setting: Mom and Dad are in the kitchen on Sunday morning discussing the fact that they heard Emma earlier but she must have fallen back asleep. As if on queue a voice calls out from upstairs...
Emma: "Here I am!!!"

Me

Setting: Dad is cutting up strawberries. Emma happens by.
Emma: "Dad, what are you doing for me?"

Guessing Room

Setting: Mom notices that the guest room bed covers are rumpled and comments on this to Dad.
Max: "Mom, can I sleep in the guessing room tonight?"

Love of Watermelon

Setting: Mom, Dad, and Emma are enjoying some watermelon after dinner.
Emma: "Mom, do you love watermelon as much as I do?"

Brother qualifiers

Setting: Emma is informing Max of Dad and Emma's trip to the grocery store.
Emma: "Max, we bought peas for you!"
Max: "Peas just for me!!"
Dad: "That's right Max, peas just for you."
Emma: "Yeah, not for me."
Dad: "Emma, if you want peas you can have them too."
Emma: "No I can't, I'm not a brother yet."

Healthy Food reprise

Setting: At a hotel in Florida with a breakfast buffet. Cereals are in clear dispensers.
Max: "Mom, can I have more Fruit Loops?"
Mom: "No, honey, you can have ham, turkey, or cheese."
Max: "Yeah, I know. I need to eat healthy food, not furniture or buildings."

Note: See March Archives for original healthy food blog entry.

A Face

Emma: "Momma, you have a face, and I have a face, and Max has a face, and Daddy has a face, and Bear has a face, but not Blankie (her blanket)."

For The Sunglasses

Setting: Dad is finishing up the nighttime routine of putting Emma to bed. Both have said their goodnights and I love yous.
Emma: "My nose is getting bigger."
Dad: "Your nose is getting bigger?"
Emma: "Yes. For the sunglasses."

Bless Yous

Setting: Emma has several aborted attempts at sneezing.
Emma: "Mom, my Bless Yous won't come out!"

All By Myself

Setting: Shortly after breakfast, Max appears with something on his lips.
Mom: "Max, what is that?"
Max: "Lipstick! I did it All By Myself!"

Grandma

Setting: Mom is in her office. Emma enters.
Emma: "I'm the mommy and you're the mommy. I'm the mommy to bear."
Mom: "If you're the mommy to bear, then I'm the grandma."
Emma leaves.
Emma: "Grandma! Come and kiss bear."

A Nemo Attempt

Story: Kimchee (a Betta Fish and recent addition to the family) made a daring yet flawed attempt for freedom. Dad poured him into a temporary home so he could clean the bowl and rocks. Then Max told dad it was 8:30 (the time Dad told him he had to go to sleep!). And Dad went to put Max to bed.
When he returned, Dad noticed Kimchee was missing from the temporary bowl on the center island!! He finally spotted the wayward fish on the carpet by the sink, looking very dead. The thought was that he was attempting the drain (kitchen sink) escape technique ala Nemo. Dad managed to get him back in the bowl after he valiantly attempted to evade capture (still able to flop around when threaten with a scoop). We’ll see if he survives the night. He is moving.

The data: He leaped a 2 inch gap of air over the lip of the bowl. Flopped at least 3-4 feat on the island and floor plus the fall of 3 feet or so from the island. Total escape time is uncertain. Estimate is anywhere from 1 to 10 minutes.

Eight Thirty Zero

Max: "Dad, can I play in my room."
Dad: "You can play in your room until 8:30. When your clock has the numbers 8-3-0 on it, it will be time to go to bed."
Later...
Max (from his bedroom door): "Dad, the clock says eight thirty zero."

Comment: Eight thirty one, Eight thirty five. Eight thirty zero makes sense!

Foster Mom and Foster Sister

Setting: The plan was to attend an adoptive family picnic this past Saturday. Mom has discussed with Max several times that he is adopted and that he had a foster family that cared for him before he came back home with us.

Mom: "We are going to an adoptive family picnic."
Max: "An adoptive family picnic? Will my foster mom and foster sister be there?"

Waterlemon

Setting: What do you call a fruit with a green shell, red innards, and black seeds?

Max: "Did you buy some waterlemon?"

Disausted

Setting: Mom, Dad, Max and Emma had a busy Saturday including 2 hours at a playground, a picnic at someones house and a birthday party for two 3 year old friends. At some point during the day:

Max: "I need to take a nap. I'm disausted!"

Shoes off

Setting: When you enter the house from the garage, you take your shoes off in the mudroom.

Note: That lesson has apparently been learned and passed on to Dora the Explorer when she comes in with her ice skates on.

Chocolate

Preface: While both kids were watching a video, Dad stealthily retrieved a special candy bar from his stash and ate it.

Setting: About 10 minutes later Emma climbs up on Dad's lap and sits down. She watches the video over Dad's shoulder.
Emma: "What's that smell?"
Dad (knowing but trying to deflect): "What smell? Maybe it's the flowers." (Roses on the counter 2 feet away.)
Emma (looking directly at Dad): "Do you smell? ... That's chocolate."

Butt

Setting: Emma was in the process of sliding off her chair after dinner.

Emma: "Do you know where did my butt go. . . It fart."

Special Note: To our knowledge this "f" word has not been used in our house. It took every ounce of Dad's control to minimize his response (laughter and amazement).

Exactly

Setting: Dad has been attempting to educate Emma on how to put her shoes on the right feet. She has a tendency to get the shoes on the wrong fee, every time. Dad had been explaining during the day how Tinker Bell on the side of her sandals should be on the outside of her foot, not on the inside.

Emma: "Tink goes on the outside."
Dad: "That's right Emma, Tinkerbell goes on the outside of your foot."
Emma: "Right, right exactly."

Too Too Good

Setting: Dad and Emma just finished sharing an apple.

Emma: "Dad, that apple was just too, too good."

Asleep

Setting: It's 9:45 pm (well past bedtime). Sounds are emmanating from Max's room.

Mom: "Max are you awake?"
Max: "No mom, I'm asleep."

Ready

Setting: Dad is reading a bedtime story to Max and Emma. Mom is making Emma's bed.

Mom: "Emma do you want to sleep upside down on your bed tonight?" (The child in question sleeps with his/her head at the foot of the bed)
Emma: "I'm not ready for that yet."

Are the cars gone?

Prologue: Max, Emma, Dad, Uncle Ed, and Tanta Anna went on a trip to downtown Minneapolis earlier in the day to visit the Stone Arch Bridge and the Mill City Museum. On the way, he asked what road we traveled on whenever there was a turn.

Setting: Max is struggling to go to bed. He calls down to Mom from behind his closed bedroom door.
Max: "Mom, is it dark yet?"
Mom: "Yes, Max. It's dark."
Max: "Are the cars gone?"
Mom: "What cars Max?"
Max: "The cars on the road."
Mom: "What road?"
Max: "On Highway 12, Highway 15, and Highway 110?" (3 of the highways we traveled on)

Broken Heart

Setting: Emma was using the play stethoscope to listen to people. She was listening to Mom's body.
Mom: "Is Momma broken?"
Emma: "No, just your heart."

Me and Us

Setting: Emma and dad are at a local playground while Max is in school. Emma is playing with a friend and sitting at the top of an enclosed corkscrew-shaped slide. Dad is at the bottom opening of the slide looking in.
Dad: "Who's up there?"
Emma: "Me!!"
Dad: "Who's me??"
Emma: "Us!!"
Dad: "Who's us?"
Emma: "Me and Us!!" (Giggles followed)

Bully

Note: Earlier in the day Max watched a VeggieTale video about bullies.
Setting: At the dinner table
Mom: "Max, what do you want to be when you grow up."
Max (in a nice innocent voice): "I want to be a Bully."
Emma (in a rather bullying voice): "No you don't, Max!"

Strong vs. Weak

Setting: Eating dinner as a family, Max is not interested in eating his vegetables. Pushes his plate away.
Max: "I'm done."
Dad: "Max, eating your vegetables will make you big and strong."
Mom: "We want you to grow up strong."
Dad: "Max, do you want to be strong or weak?"
Max: (head covered by his hands) "Weak."

Dungeon Truck

Setting: Dad, Max and Emma parked outside a McDonalds.
Max: "Dad look! There's a dungeon truck."
Note: Max points out a panel truck about half the length of a semi-trailer with 4 small square windows along the top of the side. In the windows are vertical metal bars.

Rice Tickling

Emma: "Mama, I'm tickling my rice! Tickle! Tickle! Tickle!"

U.P.A.

Max: "Dad, what are those?"
Dad: "Peeps"
Max: "Peeps?"
Dad: They're Bunny Peeps" (Max had previously only see little bird Peeps)
Max: "They're the United Peeps of America."

Princess

Setting: Emma is walking around the kitchen in her new Easter dress from Grandma Omi.
Dad: "Emma, are you a pretty girl?"
Emma: "No, I'm a princess."

China

Setting: Max is watching Little Einsteins on Disney. This episode is about kites in China.
Mom: "Where's China?"
Max: "The back of the world."

Nice Poops

Previously: Max had had an intestinal issue a week ago that was causing some unpleasant output but not affecting him in other ways. Dad was having difficulty explaining that he was sick inside because his poop wasn't good.

Setting: Max poops on the potty.
Max: "Dad, are they nice poops?"
Dad: "Yes Max they are nice poops."
Max: "Yeah, they are not mad, sad, or angry."
Setting 2: Dad loses composure.
Max (laughing): "or silly!!"

The Power of Cookies

Previously: Emma had watch Dad prepare her lunch for the day. Lunch included a wrap with meat, cheese and sprouts as well as a chocolate chip cookie.

Setting: Riding in the minivan to get to a playground before Max's afternoon speech appointment. Emma is eating her wrap.
Emma: "Dad, my tummy hurts."
Dad: "Emma, give me your sandwich if your tummy hurts, you can finish it later."
Setting 2: About 3 minutes later
Emma: "Dad, my tummy hurts."
Dad: "I know dear, I don't know what I can do for you right now. Let's see how you feel in a few minutes."
Emma: "A chocolate chip cookie would make my tummy feel better."

Cheeps

Previously: As is her way, Grandma V. made a special treat for Max and Emma's visit to her house. This week, it was orange jello with whipped cream -- and a marshmallow Peep on top. Of course, Grandma V sends extras home in individual containers for the kids.

Setting: Our house after Saturday dinner. Dad serves up those servings of the remaining orange jello and cream for dessert.
Max: "Look, Jello from Grandma V."
Max: "But, where's the Cheep?"

King Tut in America

Setting: Mom, Max, and Emma are reading through an old issue of National Geographic with a King Tut cover story.
Max: "Mom, who's that?"
Mom: "That's King Tut"
Max: "Right, he's from Egypt where there are pyramids and camels."
Mom in stunned silence turns the page to the King Tut story -- with many differnt pictures of the King.
Max: "Mom, what are all of those?"
Mom: "They are different statues of King Tut."
Max: "Wow, look at all those King-Tuckies. (i.e., like Kentucky)"

Sssslithering

Setting: Max and Emma are sliding feet first down the stairs on their bellies.
Mom: "What are you guys doing?"
Max: "We're sssssslithering. Like sssssnakes."

Look Mom I'm An Astronaut!!

My favorite creature

Setting: Mom and Max are discussing Sunday School.
Max: "God made the whole world. He made all the stars, and the earth, and all the animals. He made all the creatures like my favorite creature, a mouse. Maisy is a mouse."

Note: Maisy is Max's #1 stuffed animal.

I didn't say thank you.

Note: Whenever the word bath is mentioned, Emma insists that Dad is the one to wash her hair.
Setting: Emma enters the kitchen on Sunday morning and tells Mom the following.
Emma: "Dad washed my hair last night and I didn't say thank you."

California

Setting: Max is at the kitchen table preparing to eat breakfast. A pealed whole banana sits on the plate before him. He is poised to use his plastic yellow Chiquita banana slicer on the banana. Max holds up the banana slicer.
Max: "Look Mom, it's California!"

Note: a picture will be added for those who are unfamiliar.

Healthy Food

Special Note: The following entry is not for those with sensitivies to hearing somewhat distasteful things.
Setting: Mom and Max are in the silver car doing some errands. Mom spies Max picking his nose and putting his finger in his mouth.
Mom: "Max, please don't pick your nose. That's not socially acceptable."
Max: "Yeah, I know. I need to eat healthy food."

Best Mom in the World

Max: "Mom, you're the Best Mom in the World."
Pause
Max: "Mom, are you the Best Mom in the World?"

Like

Setting: Max woke up but wasn't quite ready to face the day this morning. He sat down on the top step and called for Mom. Shortly after that Emma came out of her bedroom and the following ensued.
Max: "Mom! Emma doesn't like me!!"
Mom: "Oh Max, I think Emma likes you. Emma do you like Max?"
Emma: Nods her head yes.
Mom: "See Max, Emma likes you."
Max: "But I don't want Emma to like me!!!"
Setting: Mom looks up at Emma at that moment. Emma is swinging Bear (her lamb blanket) back and forth.
Emma: "Look Bear is swimming!!"
Note: We don't try to interpret all of these, we just try to share.

Raarring

Setting: Max and Emma eating breakfast at opposite ends of the kitchen table.
Emma: "Raaarrr!! Raaaarr!!" (to be interpreted as Roar)
Emma: "Max! I'm raarring you!!"

Cracked up

Setting: Mom and Max are being silly and staring each other in the eye (about 2 inches apart).
Max: "I crack myself up!!"

From California

Setting: (this is posted a week late) Mom returned from California after bedtime on Friday night. Because it was Dad's birthday on Friday, she bought Pop Tarts (family tradition) for Saturday's breakfast. Because Max probably would not eat Pop Tarts, she bought a box of Froot Loops too. Saturday morning Max and Mom walk into the kitchen.
Max: "Look! Dad bought Froot Loops!"
Mom: "No Max, Mom bought the Froot Loops."
Setting: Max pauses for a moment
Max: "Mom, did you bring those from California?"

Pestulence

The family household has been besieged by all manner of disease and pestilence over the past 6 weeks from your typical cold, to sinus infections, to intestinal issues, and now Dad's (not the kids) ear infections.
Through all this the kids spirits have been great but last Sunday we had some particularly trying moments that took Mom and Dad close to the edge. That combined with the Pestilence mentioned above birthed the following new dictionary term.

Pestulence: The convergence of pestilence and petulance within the same household on a given day.

Hopefully Nowhere

Setting: Mom is informing Max and Emma of her travel to California this morning.
Emma: "Where are you going?"
Mom: "Long Beach, California"
Emma: "Then where are you going?"
Mom: "Hopefully nowhere."
Emma: "Where is Hopefully Nowhere?"

Let's play church

Setting: After a particularly trying morning of whining, crying and general malaise due to illness, the family missed church. Dad explains that we will read a bible story this morning in lieu of attendence. A few minutes later...
Max: "Let's play church!! (then singing the jingle) 98 point 5 KTIS!!!" (Note: 98.5 KTIS is a local Christian radio station)

The Prisoners

Setting: Mom is setting out the placemats for dinner. One of the placemats has all the presidents on it.
Emma: "I want the placemat with the prisoners!!"

All the stuff

Setting: Dad is helping Emma settle in for bed.
Dad: "Can I give you a hug?"
Emma: "No. I want Twinkle Star and all the stuff."
Dad: "Stuff??"
Emma: "A wiggly hug, a wiggly kiss, blow you a kiss, tuck, tuck, tuck..."

Emma

Dad: "Are you my Emma Lee Luise Vytlacil?!"
Emma: "Noooooo! I'm Emma." (Cher is reborn)

It's too loud

Setting: Listening to music (Go Fish) in the minivan.
Max: "Dad, can you turn it up?"
Dad: "Ok."
Emma: "It's too loud, I can't hear it!"

A doggy

Setting: Mom tucking Emma in for the night – after a particularly precocious day.
Mom: "Em, can you do Mom a favor, please?"
Emma: "What?"
Mom: "You were kinda rough on Dad today. Can you try to be a good girl for Dad tomorrow."
Emma: "No."
Mom: "Missy, can you try being kind?"
Emma: "No."
Mom (persisting): "Can you try being gentle?"
Emma: "No."
Mom (persuading): "Patient?"
Emma: "No."
Mom (searching for another virtue): "Nice?"
Emma: "No."
Mom (giving it her all): "Loving?"
Emma (with a lilt): "Nooooooo."
Mom: "Emma, what do you want to be?"
Emma: "A doggy."

Lack of isms

Sorry folks. It's been a quiet week for childish profundity. As with all artistic endeavors one can only share when inspiration arises on its own. I will hopefully be able to add an audio clip this weekend.
Tom

Not a bit in the house

Setting: Max has been enthralled by one of "Mom's" Christmas presents. A DVD containing three Wallace & Grommit episodes (a great British claymation type animation). He likes to act out the episodes after watching them. Today's episode: A Grand Day Out. Max is perfecting his British accent so this loses a lot of value when typed.
Max: (looking in our pantry) "No cheese Grommit!!"
Max: "Not a bit in the houuuse"

No, don't tell me

Dad: "Emma, you have a cold."
Emma: "Noooo, I don't have a cold!"
Dad: "Then why is your nose running?"
Emma: "No, don't tell me!"

I'm Happy

Dad: "We have to take Max to school this morning."
Emma: "Where am I going?"
Dad: "After we drop Max off, we're going to take you to see the doctor. You have a cold." (Emma's in the third week of a cold and it's getting worse.)
Emma: "Nooooo! I don't want to see the doctor! I'm happy!!"

Safe during the nana

Setting: Emma requests a banana and wants is sliced with the banana slicer (Thank you, Auntie Patty).
Note: Cooper is a playmate of Emma's who was at our house two days ago.
Emma: "Did you give Cooper a nana?"
Dad: "I did."
Emma: "What a good job, Daddy!"
Emma: "What a good job keeping Cooper safe during the nana."

Twofer - a Maxism and Emmanism for the price of one

Setting: Max grabbing something off the counter.
Max: "Hey, this is mine!"..."What is this?"
Mom: "That's Chapstick. It's for chapped lips."
Emma: (from off in the distance) "No, I don't have chocolate lips!"

Big Girl

Setting: Mom, Max, and Emma at breakfast.
Emma: "ga blah, ya, ba ba." (baby talk)
Mom: "Sorry, honey, I don't understand you. Please talk like a big girl."
Setting 2: A little later
Mom: "Emma, do you want peaches in your oatmeal like Mom?"
Emma: "Yes, peaches are for big girls, Mom."

The Pizza Dude

Setting: Dad is changing Emma's diaper in her room.
Emma: "You're the pizza dude!"

All Together

Setting: Dad is took Max to school in the Silver Car because Mom was home (sick). Emma stayed with Mom. Dad also went back to school to pick Max up in the Silver Car.
Max: "Can we take the Silver Car to speech?" (Speech Therapy in the afternoon).
Dad: "I don't know Max. Emma will probably need to go with us to speech, so we'll need to take the mini-van if she comes."
Max: "Can we go all together?"
Dad: "What do you mean by all together, Max?"
Max: "Without Emma."

Can you talk louder?

Setting: Dad just parked the car at the school. Radio is still on.
Dad: "Ok, take your seatbelts off so we can take Max to school."
Emma: "Can you talk louder, I can't hear you."
Dad: "You can open your seatbelts now."
Emma: "Can you talk louder, I can't hear you."
Setting (2): Dad turns around to look at Emma seated behind him. Emma is holding her right hand against her right ear...and smiling.

Philosophy of Max

Setting: At the dinner table, Dad is expounding on the merits of eating brocolli and potatoes for Max's future.
Dad: "Eating vegetables will help you grow big and strong."
Max: "I'm too young to be big."

Grandma's lullaby

Setting: Near then end of playing out Bethlehem, Emma asks Dad to be Grandma (of the Little Red Riding Hood variety.)
Emma: "But you can't eat me."
Dad: "I can't eat you?"
Emma: "No."
Setting (part 2): Emma grabs a pillow and instructs Dad to lay on the floor. She then covers his body (upper only) with her blanket. She then starts caressing his chest while singing.
Emma (singing): "Go to sleep. You're my husband. I won't tickle you..." (Dad pretty much lost it at that point.)

On the way to Bethlehem

Setting: Max learned the story of Mary and Joseph traveling to Bethlehem in the weeks before Christmas. He likes to act it out as well as direct others in their roles.
Max: "Mom, you're Mary."
Emma: "I'm the donkey!"
Mom: "Max who are you?"
Max: "I'm Joseph."
Mom: "Who is Dad?"
Max: "He's the Innkeeper."
Emma: "Mom, can you pick me up?" (remember Mom is Mary and Emma is the donkey)
Max: "Ok, let's go to Bethlehem. First we have to cross the big, big London Bridge, then go through the spooookkkky forest!!!..."

A Child's Lament

Setting: Finishing up the bedtime routine. Mom sees Max rubbing his eyes.
Mom: "O Honey, I think you're tired. Go give your sister a hug and a kiss."
Max: "Can I play with my toys for a little bit?"
Mom: "I don't think so... Dad?"
Dad: "No, it's late."
Max: "But I don't want to be tired."

My job

History: Henry is a "working dog". His number one job is to keep the floor clean. He does this with alacrity -- especially under the kitchen table when the kids are eating.
Setting: Riding in the car. Un-prompted.
Max: "That's my job."
Max: "My job is to talk."

Use your manners

Setting: It's Sunday morning, Max and Mom are already up and moving around downstairs. Max likes his alone time with Mom or Dad in the morning. Unfortunately for Max, Emma wakes up shortly after they get downstairs. Mom and Max at the bottom of the stairs looking upon a descending Emma:
Max: "Mom, Emma needs to go back to sleep!"
Mom: "Max, she's your sister. Be kind. Show your good manners."
Max: "Emma, please go back to sleep."

Open your mouth

Setting: During the family movie night on Saturday, Dad went upstairs to let the dog out and took the opportunity to sneak a snack. When he returned downstairs, Emma (a.k.a. "the nose") detected something was different from before. There are no lights on, just the TV images.
Emma: "Dad, open your mouth."
Dad complies
Dad: "Nothing in there."
Emma walks around to the back of the couch and reaches to turn on some lights.
Emma: "Dad, open your mouth."

California Boy?

Setting: Max is in the gym at St. Davids Preschool. A kid riding the bike runs into Max. Max's teacher, Chantelle, comforts him for a bit. He goes to Jenny, another teacher and...
Max: "Helloooo, I was run over by a bike!!!"
Jenny: "Are you ok, Max?"
Max: "Yeah, I'm fine."

Watching the Kids

Setting: Max and Emma are eating breakfast. Dad takes a quick trip upstairs to change into street clothes. When he comes down, Emma is crouched on the seat of her chair (feet on the seat) looking over at the little kids table where, yesterday, she set up her two dolls on chairs with assorted cups and plates.
Dad: "Emma, please turn around and sit down while you are eating breakfast."
Emma: "Dad, I'm watching the kids."

Too bad

Setting: Dad is pouring oatmeal from the cooking dish to a bowl for Emma. He gets some on his hand. He goes to the sink to wash it off.
Emma: "Dad, what happened?"
Dad: "I got oatmeal on my hand. I had to wash it off."
Emma: "Ohhh, that's too bad."
and as if to clarify...
Emma: "Ohhh, that's too bad for your hand."

Not to be interrupted

Setting: Max is at preschool (St. Davids). Teacher Mary comes up and hears him sing a neat song (on key of course).
Mary: "Max are you singing a song?"
Max continues to sing. After he completes the song:
Max: "Yes Mary I was singing a song."

Daddy Knows

Setting: Dad just finished fastening Emma's seatbelt and Mom is struggling a bit in fastening Max's as they get ready to go to church.
Mom: "How does this work again?"
Emma: "Daddy knows."
Comment: To her credit Mom maintained phenomonal poise and gave some very good response. Dad however was choking down the laughter that was desperately attempting to escape.

Clean Hugs

Setting: Mom came into the kitchen this morning. Max ran to give her a good morning hug. Emma was just finishing her breakfast of oatmeal. Dad had just told her to wait on getting her off her chair until he wiped her face.
Emma (to Mom): "I'll give you a hug after Dad cleans the oatmeal off my face."
Commment: Most of the EmmaNisms are not necessarily humorous. More like astounding (at least to us) because of her age (still only 2 1/2 years). I told Linda I would stop being surprised by her ability to assemble sophisticated sentences but I am failing miserably. (T)

I'm off

Setting: Max picks up a many colored pen set that is in the form of a briefcase.
Max: "So long, farewell, I am off."

Master of the Obvious

Setting: Emma is settled in her tent (see earlier post) to go to sleep. She wants her white blankie.
Dad: (as he is feeling around her in the dark for the white blankie that is in the tent somewhere) "Well where is your white blankie"
Emma: "Maybe you should turn on the light so you can see the white blankie"

Understatement

Emma is picking up on the expressive style of a typical Minnesotan.
Mom: "Emma are you ok?"
Emma: "No, no, no, I'm fine."

Tough in the Silver Car

Setting: After Dad attempts to unlatch Emma's seatbelt in the minivan, Emma insists on doing it "myself" Followed by this commentary. (remember Emma has not quite hit 2 years and 7 months old.
Emma: "The seatbelt is tough for the Silver Car." (our other car) "I can't do the Silver Car."

Not a school night

Setting: Max has a rocket ship tent in his room. On non-school nights (usually) weekends, he can sleep in the tent if he wishes (usually does). This week one of his school classes was still out for Christmas break. The following transpired last night (Tuesday) during our bedtime routine.
Max: "Mom, can I sleep in my tent?"
Mom: "No Max. Tonights a school night."
Max: "It's not a school night, it's a speech night!" (he had speech therapy today, but not his normal school class)

Max & Emma in Korean Hanboks

No return

Setting: Max is dragging a rolling backpack/suitcase with a pullup handle through the kitchen
Dad: "Max, are you going on a trip?"
Max: "No, I'm going to a meeting, but I don't believe I will be coming back."